Only 1 day until the start of November. Every November I find my thoughts dwelling on how blessed I am. It started early this year...
The other day, Blake and I were discussing that despite the lack of sleep... despite the multitude of adjustments... We both found ourselves with such a peace. Such an overwhelming thankfulness.
I walked into the family room this morning to find Blake sitting on the couch with BOTH twins in one arm, Emery in the other arm, and older two on either side of him. I thought my heart would burst. I should have grabbed the camera for a photo, but found myself just standing off to the side watching... A mental photo will have to do.
The year had been hectic. Stressful. Full of changes. And honestly life is still like that. But what grace we have been covered with. We know just how wonderful we have it. Just how blessed we are. And what precious daily reminders I have been given...
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Our Good
Updates have been few and far between recently... Mainly because we are still in the middle of utter chaos! Blake's second draft of his dissertation is due in exactly 1 week. Every spare minute is spent at the library. A plus? Our grocery bill has been less because I am seldom cooking! :)
"He has promised to use everything in your life for your good and His glory. This is the kind of watchful, fatherly love He has for you... You can rest in His everlasting arms - now." Give Them Grace, pg. 28
There was a much needed week long break that came after turning in the last draft and receiving it back to make corrections. The amount of time left to finish the corrections is overwhelming. It will be such a LONG week, and yet I wish there was more time for him! He lives, eats, and breathes the life of Dan Kimbell at this moment and to be honest I am not the least bit jealous! :) I would rather that we push on and finish, then spend longer then we have to with our lives revolving around this man I have never met(though I am sure he is a wonderful man). :)
"He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me, and he prepares the way so that I may show him the salvation of God." Psalm 50:23
I am learning so much about gratitude. There have been few times in my life that I feel have been harder then then the last 7 months. I am learning how to totally depend on Christ. I am learning how to be independent as a mother and caretaker of our home(though I will admit our yard is looking rough). As difficult and stressful as it has been, I am truly so greatful for this time.
"Thanksgiving - giving thanks in everything - prepares the way that God might show us His fullest salvation in Christ." One Thousand Gifts, pg. 39
I know I'm rambling. Blake has been gone about 12 hours now. "For our good" is what I have been running in my head today. "For our good" is what I whispered to myself after I browned up 2 lbs of stew meat and realized I didn't have what I needed for the dinner I had planned, but was home alone with napping kids. "For our good", as I sat with my friend whose husband started the PhD program with Blake and we let our kids run WILD so we could have a moment or two of adult conversation.
"If the church is in Christ, it's initial act is always an act of thanksgiving, of returning the world to God." Alexander Schmemann
We covet your prayers. Life right now is tiring, but tonight, I can honestly say that I know that this is "for our good".
"He has promised to use everything in your life for your good and His glory. This is the kind of watchful, fatherly love He has for you... You can rest in His everlasting arms - now." Give Them Grace, pg. 28
There was a much needed week long break that came after turning in the last draft and receiving it back to make corrections. The amount of time left to finish the corrections is overwhelming. It will be such a LONG week, and yet I wish there was more time for him! He lives, eats, and breathes the life of Dan Kimbell at this moment and to be honest I am not the least bit jealous! :) I would rather that we push on and finish, then spend longer then we have to with our lives revolving around this man I have never met(though I am sure he is a wonderful man). :)
"He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me, and he prepares the way so that I may show him the salvation of God." Psalm 50:23
I am learning so much about gratitude. There have been few times in my life that I feel have been harder then then the last 7 months. I am learning how to totally depend on Christ. I am learning how to be independent as a mother and caretaker of our home(though I will admit our yard is looking rough). As difficult and stressful as it has been, I am truly so greatful for this time.
"Thanksgiving - giving thanks in everything - prepares the way that God might show us His fullest salvation in Christ." One Thousand Gifts, pg. 39
I know I'm rambling. Blake has been gone about 12 hours now. "For our good" is what I have been running in my head today. "For our good" is what I whispered to myself after I browned up 2 lbs of stew meat and realized I didn't have what I needed for the dinner I had planned, but was home alone with napping kids. "For our good", as I sat with my friend whose husband started the PhD program with Blake and we let our kids run WILD so we could have a moment or two of adult conversation.
"If the church is in Christ, it's initial act is always an act of thanksgiving, of returning the world to God." Alexander Schmemann
We covet your prayers. Life right now is tiring, but tonight, I can honestly say that I know that this is "for our good".
Saturday, August 27, 2011
A Repost: It's Not What You Think
We have friends who are adopting. 2 families actually. Everytime we seem to expect a lull in adoption at our church, someone steps forward. People's hearts are changed. The Lord moves. It has just been so wonderfully overwhelming to me.
*Will's Gotch Day was at the beginning of the month. I am working on a post - In the meantime, here is a re-post of a blog I wrote last year:
All of the recent buzz about adoption in our world has brought back memories of our journey... I tell this story over and over and over again. I write about it every chance I get because I never want to forget. I want to remember every detail. I want for Will to feel like he knows his story inside and out.
In 2003 Blake and I went on our first date. Somehow the conversation went to children. I shared my dream to adopt. He agreed, mainly I think because he wanted to marry me and wasn't going to ruin it on our first date. :) I held on to that conversation. I treasured it in my heart. Blake tucked it so far away that he forgot about it.
We married in 2005 and despite having every intention that Blake would finish his PhD before we added to our family, it was only a matter of months before I was begging for a child. We began trying to get pregnant rather quickly. I knew that it might come slowly. I knew that it might be hard. I knew right away that I wanted to pray about adoption being a way that we expanded.
I was searching the internet immediately. I spent hours and hours on adoption agency websites. And then the mail came. About 10 info packets on domestic and international adoption. Blake laid them on my side of the bed and had little to do with them. I poured over them, memorizing every detail. I was still not pregnant.
I don't know what happened, other then to say that it was just God. I had been praying and working on Blake and the topic of adoption for probably 6 months. He had been telling me to give the pregnancy time. But to me, this wasn't about whether or not I was pregnant. I didn't just want to be pregnant. I wanted to me a mom and I didn't care how that happened. From March 2006 to October 2006 God changed Blake's heart and one day I heard him say "I want to adopt."...
We hit the ground running and by the next month we began the process of the homestudies. Our dossier reached Guatemala in January 2007... The same month our precious son entered the world.
Because we adopted Will before I became pregnant with Riley people almost always assume that it is because of the infertility. It's not what you think, though. There was infertility. Almost 2 years of it. There were tears and hurt and disappointment. But adopting Will was not about that. Adopting Will was about what Christ did for Blake and I. It was our totally flawed attempt to mirror... mimic his adoption of us and the way in which he picked us up and pulled us out of a terrible life.
When the Lord changes your heart towards adoption - When your heart becomes sympathetic towards it, amazing things happen. You see pictures of a little girl in Asia and wonder what dress you might help her pick out for her senior prom. You study a photo of a little boy in Africa and imagine teaching him to ride a bike or throw a ball. In our case, it was the photos of young boys in Guatemala. We studied those photos daily for weeks... wondering which one we would soon be kissing. Imagining rocking that small bundle to sleep. January 26 was the day we put a face on those dreams...
It's not what you think. Things seldom are. Will was not just a body to fill our empty crib. Will is here by an act of God. A desire to fulfill our Lord's instruction to care for the orphans... A desire we could never have on our own. We want him to know.
*Will's Gotch Day was at the beginning of the month. I am working on a post - In the meantime, here is a re-post of a blog I wrote last year:
All of the recent buzz about adoption in our world has brought back memories of our journey... I tell this story over and over and over again. I write about it every chance I get because I never want to forget. I want to remember every detail. I want for Will to feel like he knows his story inside and out.
In 2003 Blake and I went on our first date. Somehow the conversation went to children. I shared my dream to adopt. He agreed, mainly I think because he wanted to marry me and wasn't going to ruin it on our first date. :) I held on to that conversation. I treasured it in my heart. Blake tucked it so far away that he forgot about it.
We married in 2005 and despite having every intention that Blake would finish his PhD before we added to our family, it was only a matter of months before I was begging for a child. We began trying to get pregnant rather quickly. I knew that it might come slowly. I knew that it might be hard. I knew right away that I wanted to pray about adoption being a way that we expanded.
I was searching the internet immediately. I spent hours and hours on adoption agency websites. And then the mail came. About 10 info packets on domestic and international adoption. Blake laid them on my side of the bed and had little to do with them. I poured over them, memorizing every detail. I was still not pregnant.
I don't know what happened, other then to say that it was just God. I had been praying and working on Blake and the topic of adoption for probably 6 months. He had been telling me to give the pregnancy time. But to me, this wasn't about whether or not I was pregnant. I didn't just want to be pregnant. I wanted to me a mom and I didn't care how that happened. From March 2006 to October 2006 God changed Blake's heart and one day I heard him say "I want to adopt."...
We hit the ground running and by the next month we began the process of the homestudies. Our dossier reached Guatemala in January 2007... The same month our precious son entered the world.
Because we adopted Will before I became pregnant with Riley people almost always assume that it is because of the infertility. It's not what you think, though. There was infertility. Almost 2 years of it. There were tears and hurt and disappointment. But adopting Will was not about that. Adopting Will was about what Christ did for Blake and I. It was our totally flawed attempt to mirror... mimic his adoption of us and the way in which he picked us up and pulled us out of a terrible life.
When the Lord changes your heart towards adoption - When your heart becomes sympathetic towards it, amazing things happen. You see pictures of a little girl in Asia and wonder what dress you might help her pick out for her senior prom. You study a photo of a little boy in Africa and imagine teaching him to ride a bike or throw a ball. In our case, it was the photos of young boys in Guatemala. We studied those photos daily for weeks... wondering which one we would soon be kissing. Imagining rocking that small bundle to sleep. January 26 was the day we put a face on those dreams...
It's not what you think. Things seldom are. Will was not just a body to fill our empty crib. Will is here by an act of God. A desire to fulfill our Lord's instruction to care for the orphans... A desire we could never have on our own. We want him to know.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
words
"But words are things, and a small drop of ink,
Falling like dew, upon a thought, produces
That which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think."
- George Gordon Byron
I have alot of blogging to do to catch you up on the past few months. I find myself far too tired to do that tonight. But I did feel led to give a brief update of where our family is in terms of Blake's writing... Technically, the rough draft of his dissertation is due tomorrow. He has been gone several full days a week for the entire summer. For the past 11 days he has been gone from about 8am - 10pm...
"By words we learn thoughts, and by thoughts we learn life."
- Jean Baptiste Girard
At this very moment, he is writing/correcting his final chapter in his office. About 180 pages total I believe...
"For me, words are a form of action, capable of influencing change. Their articulation represents a complete, lived experience."
- Ingrid Bengis
He is tired. I am tired. The kids are tired of things being like this. Just since beginning this simple post, I have had to go upstairs to quiet Will and Riley(who have been in bed for an hr!), not one time, but two.
"I like good strong words that mean something."
- Louisa May Alcott, Little Women
Yesterday, I purchased a copy of One Thousand Gifts: Dare To Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp. As I began reading, I sarcastically thought, "What great timing to begin this book." After the first chapter I was praising God with "What great timing to begin this book!"
"For me, words are a form of action, capable of influencing change. Their articulation represents a complete, lived experience."
- Ingrid Bengis
I find myself extrememly tired tonight... I probably shouldn't have push mowed the lawn last night after putting the kids to bed. When I got home I decided to read another chapter from the book and suddenly find myself feeling so blessed that Blake has the opportunity to be in school. That I was able to bring my children home to a cool home. That tonight(eventually) I get to lay in bed next to the one I love.
"If words are to enter men's minds and bear fruit, they must be the right words shaped cunningly to pass men's defenses and explode silently and effectually within their minds."
- J. B. Phillips
Please whisper words to the Father on our behalf. There is still much to be done tonight and tomorrow and while the break that follows is desperately needed, it will be short lived. Corrections, additional research, and rewrites will come. Pray for the words he types as they are beginning to run together. Pray for the words I speak to my children, as I have spent about 2 hours away since this stretch of craziness started 11 days ago.
"Kind words are a creative force, a power that concurs in the building up of all that is good, and energy that showers blessings upon the world."
- Lawrence G. Lovasik
Falling like dew, upon a thought, produces
That which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think."
- George Gordon Byron
I have alot of blogging to do to catch you up on the past few months. I find myself far too tired to do that tonight. But I did feel led to give a brief update of where our family is in terms of Blake's writing... Technically, the rough draft of his dissertation is due tomorrow. He has been gone several full days a week for the entire summer. For the past 11 days he has been gone from about 8am - 10pm...
"By words we learn thoughts, and by thoughts we learn life."
- Jean Baptiste Girard
At this very moment, he is writing/correcting his final chapter in his office. About 180 pages total I believe...
"For me, words are a form of action, capable of influencing change. Their articulation represents a complete, lived experience."
- Ingrid Bengis
He is tired. I am tired. The kids are tired of things being like this. Just since beginning this simple post, I have had to go upstairs to quiet Will and Riley(who have been in bed for an hr!), not one time, but two.
"I like good strong words that mean something."
- Louisa May Alcott, Little Women
Yesterday, I purchased a copy of One Thousand Gifts: Dare To Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp. As I began reading, I sarcastically thought, "What great timing to begin this book." After the first chapter I was praising God with "What great timing to begin this book!"
"For me, words are a form of action, capable of influencing change. Their articulation represents a complete, lived experience."
- Ingrid Bengis
I find myself extrememly tired tonight... I probably shouldn't have push mowed the lawn last night after putting the kids to bed. When I got home I decided to read another chapter from the book and suddenly find myself feeling so blessed that Blake has the opportunity to be in school. That I was able to bring my children home to a cool home. That tonight(eventually) I get to lay in bed next to the one I love.
"If words are to enter men's minds and bear fruit, they must be the right words shaped cunningly to pass men's defenses and explode silently and effectually within their minds."
- J. B. Phillips
Please whisper words to the Father on our behalf. There is still much to be done tonight and tomorrow and while the break that follows is desperately needed, it will be short lived. Corrections, additional research, and rewrites will come. Pray for the words he types as they are beginning to run together. Pray for the words I speak to my children, as I have spent about 2 hours away since this stretch of craziness started 11 days ago.
"Kind words are a creative force, a power that concurs in the building up of all that is good, and energy that showers blessings upon the world."
- Lawrence G. Lovasik
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Bebo Norman
Could You Ever Look At Me
could you ever look at me
the way you're looking at the ocean
all wounded in your smile
but holy and unroiled
could you ever look at me
could you ever look at me
the way you're looking at the sunrise
how it settles on your face
whole and unafraid
like the light of your world
i don't know how
to chase away the fear i have inside me
i don't know where it is you go
when you drift away
when you drift away
could you ever look at me
the way you're looking at the ocean
could you give to me that smile
if only for a a while
could you ever look at me
and i don't know how
to find a way to keep you here beside me
and i don't know where it is you go
but it's beautiful to me
so beautiful to see
i hope you never look at me
the way you're looking at the ocean
'cause in the sunrise i have seen
i was never meant to be the light of your world
I Hope You See Jesus
Instead of fear, instead of blinded eyes
Instead of shame, instead of all my lies
Instead of an orphan without a name
I hope you see Jesus
Instead of anger, instead of unbelief
Instead of weakness in the heart of me
Instead of a wounded soul that sometimes loses faith
I hope you see Jesus
I hope you see Jesus
I hope you see Jesus
Standing in my place
Bearing all my shame
I hope you see Jesus
Instead of voices in a faceless crowd
Instead of prophets crying out from behind a shroud
Instead of fingers pointing out the blame
I, I hope you see Jesus
I hope you see Jesus
I hope you see Jesus
Standing in my place
Bearing all my shame
I, I hope you see Jesus
I hope you see love
I hope you see love
I hope you see love
Oh my God, when You look on us
A broken people who have turned from love
Instead of the words we throw and the wars we wage
I, I hope You forgive us, I hope you see Jesus
I hope you see Jesus
I hope you see Jesus
Standing in our place
Bearing all our shame
I hope you see Jesus
Standing in my place
Bearing all my shame
I hope you see Jesus
Thursday, June 16, 2011
"Put Your Ear To The Bible..."
Found this picture of Will and his Uncle Paul this afternoon... I took it the evening before he left to go overseas.The sight of his face immediately compelled me to pray for my baby brother. He is spending the summer in Asia with the IMB. I got to chat with Paulie via SKYPE a few nights ago and he shared with Blake and I some of the hardships that he and the other missionaries are facing...
I have been hit with a vivid reminder of the world's need for the Savior.
A brother who packed up a duffle bag full of stuff and traveled literally to the other side of the world for the gospel.
Pray.
Pray for him.
Pray for them.
"Not called!" did you say? "Not heard the call," I think you should say. Put your ear down to the Bible, and hear him bid you go and pull sinners out of the fire of sin. Put your ear down to the burdened, agonized heart of humanity, and listen to its pitiful wail for help. Go stand by the gates of hell, and hear the damned entreat you to go to their father's house and bid their brothers and sisters, and servants and masters not to come there. And then look Christ in the face, whose mercy you have professed to obey, and tell him whether you will join heart and soul and body and circumstances in the march to publish his mercy to the world.
William Booth, founder of the Salvation Army
"I have but one passion - it is He, it is He alone. The world is the field and the field is the world; and henceforth that country shall be my home where I can be most used in winning souls for Christ."
Count Zinzindorf
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Learning To Unclench Those Fists...
I really wanted to take a bath tonight. At least until Emery pooped in MY bathtub! Even though I have cleaned it several times I just can't bring myself to fill it with water yet... So I am blogging.
I have felt compelled to blog all evening... 3 wks ago a friend from college and church passed away unexpectedly. 2 wks ago a church member - mother of 3 young kids - was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. 1 wk ago a precious family in our church lost their little boy. It has been a few contemplative, sobering weeks.
Because of all this thinking and thankfulness I have found my time with my kids to be refreshing and so enjoyable. I really can not tell you how much I am enjoying my children! This evening especially.
At Dinner:
Riley: Emery, take a bite of your ice-cream. It's gonna fall on the table.
Pause.
Riley: Emery, hurry and take a bite! Daddy help her!
Pause.
Emery drips ice-cream on her shirt.
Riley: Awww... It's ok Emery. Here's a napkin. Let me help you.
Riley leans across Chick Fil A table to help wipe her baby sister up.
Open Hands, Lydia.
Still At Dinner:
Will and I are sitting at table alone.
Will: Momma?
Me: Yes, Will?
Will: Thank you for my dinner Momma.
Me: Thank you for saying thank you baby! *teared up*
Will: I love you Momma.
Seriously trying to keep from crying in the middle of Chick Fil A...
Me: I love you too, Will.
Open Hands, Lydia.
Walking into the Chick Fil A playplace...
Emery: Momma!!! *Grin on her face, running towards me!*
She grabs my hands and pulls me to go play with her.
Open Hands, Lydia.
Sitting in the Chick Fil A playplace watching our children play their hearts out...
Blake: Emery doesn't seem like a baby anymore.
Me: When did that happen?
Blake: It makes me sad.
Pause.
Blake: I think we need another baby.
Open Hands, Lydia.
I am terrible at it. Truly awfull. I often wonder if I will ever be able to do this well... To hold that which I love and cherish in open palms, fingers spread wide instead of in clinched fists with white knuckles. It goes against every natural instinct in my body.
Open Hands, Lydia.
But isn't that part of it? Who wants only gifts that are easy to give? Who wants only "sacrifices" that require no effort? I'm prying my hands open tonight. I am pulling at one finger at a time trying to reassure myself that, that which is most precious to me truly is nothing I can hold in my hands.
Open Hands, Lydia.
I have no idea what book or blog this was written in, but I came across a post a few days ago where she had copied this quote...
"When a woman has a kingdom heart, she has an active understanding of what matters most to the heart of God. She lives in the balance of passion and contentment. She learns to love well, give without regard to self, and forgive without hesitation. The woman with a kingdom heart may have a duffel bag full of possessions or enough treasures to fill a mansion, but she has learned to hold them with an open hand. Hold everything with open hands. I don't think we are ever allowed to grab hold of anything or anyone as though they matter more than the kingdom of heaven. When you hold relationships with open hands, then people come in and out of your life as gifts of grace to be cherished and enjoyed, not objects to be owned and manipulated. And then when you hold your dreams with open hands, you get to watch God resurrect what seemed dead and multiply what seemed small."
Open Hands, Lydia. Open Hands.
I have felt compelled to blog all evening... 3 wks ago a friend from college and church passed away unexpectedly. 2 wks ago a church member - mother of 3 young kids - was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. 1 wk ago a precious family in our church lost their little boy. It has been a few contemplative, sobering weeks.
Because of all this thinking and thankfulness I have found my time with my kids to be refreshing and so enjoyable. I really can not tell you how much I am enjoying my children! This evening especially.
At Dinner:
Riley: Emery, take a bite of your ice-cream. It's gonna fall on the table.
Pause.
Riley: Emery, hurry and take a bite! Daddy help her!
Pause.
Emery drips ice-cream on her shirt.
Riley: Awww... It's ok Emery. Here's a napkin. Let me help you.
Riley leans across Chick Fil A table to help wipe her baby sister up.
Open Hands, Lydia.
Still At Dinner:
Will and I are sitting at table alone.
Will: Momma?
Me: Yes, Will?
Will: Thank you for my dinner Momma.
Me: Thank you for saying thank you baby! *teared up*
Will: I love you Momma.
Seriously trying to keep from crying in the middle of Chick Fil A...
Me: I love you too, Will.
Open Hands, Lydia.
Walking into the Chick Fil A playplace...
Emery: Momma!!! *Grin on her face, running towards me!*
She grabs my hands and pulls me to go play with her.
Open Hands, Lydia.
Sitting in the Chick Fil A playplace watching our children play their hearts out...
Blake: Emery doesn't seem like a baby anymore.
Me: When did that happen?
Blake: It makes me sad.
Pause.
Blake: I think we need another baby.
Open Hands, Lydia.
I am terrible at it. Truly awfull. I often wonder if I will ever be able to do this well... To hold that which I love and cherish in open palms, fingers spread wide instead of in clinched fists with white knuckles. It goes against every natural instinct in my body.
Open Hands, Lydia.
But isn't that part of it? Who wants only gifts that are easy to give? Who wants only "sacrifices" that require no effort? I'm prying my hands open tonight. I am pulling at one finger at a time trying to reassure myself that, that which is most precious to me truly is nothing I can hold in my hands.
Open Hands, Lydia.
I have no idea what book or blog this was written in, but I came across a post a few days ago where she had copied this quote...
"When a woman has a kingdom heart, she has an active understanding of what matters most to the heart of God. She lives in the balance of passion and contentment. She learns to love well, give without regard to self, and forgive without hesitation. The woman with a kingdom heart may have a duffel bag full of possessions or enough treasures to fill a mansion, but she has learned to hold them with an open hand. Hold everything with open hands. I don't think we are ever allowed to grab hold of anything or anyone as though they matter more than the kingdom of heaven. When you hold relationships with open hands, then people come in and out of your life as gifts of grace to be cherished and enjoyed, not objects to be owned and manipulated. And then when you hold your dreams with open hands, you get to watch God resurrect what seemed dead and multiply what seemed small."
Open Hands, Lydia. Open Hands.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
It's Going Too Fast...
I wish I could freeze time. If I could, I would. I feel like my children are growing up much too fast! I mean, I know I am going to love this next phase of life. We are playing t-ball, doing crafts, taking lots of walks, playing in sprinklers... But all of the sudden... All of the sudden they are outgrowing naps(2 at least). There are play dates and scooters and bikes and purses and nail polish and big kid cups with no tops. Where are the rattles and teethers and bottles? The things that remind me we have such a very long time before these kids grow up... 
I want to remember them this way... Always.
I want to remember them this way... Always. I want to hear 4 years old and think of the way that Will can now scoot around on that razor scooter 10x faster then when he was 3. :) I'll never forget the way he joined the mob of tball players that tackled one another for that ball every. single. time. :) He loves going to the movies and playing with his sisters and is still in love with trips to the zoo. It is at 4 years old that I believe Will really began to understand what it meant to apologize and mean it. He doesn't always mean it, but often he is truly repentent. Will's soft heart is one of the many things that marks this age for me.
For me, 2 years old mean a passionate fear of bugs. Riley is terrified of them. That and dirt... I love how girly she is! There is nail polish, purses, shoes... She talks on her "phone" often. The paci - what let me feel like she was still, in some way, a baby - is gone. No naps. No bedtimes. It was hard, and I won't wait so long with Emery. :) 2 years old... But rushing off to play with her friends. Helping me cook dinner by handing me potatoes or putting an empty box in the trash. 2 years old... I think of Riley's sensitive heart. How she kisses and says "I love you" all on her own. And though it terrifies me, I also love the fact that she joyfully speaks to strangers. You should see the smiles she can capture.
And 20 months... Oh, no. Emery just turned 21 months! See what I mean? I blink and it's gone. 21 months for Emery means sentences of 3 words! It means, baby dolls that I am continually swaddling for her. Emery's favorite word? "No". I keep trying to convince myself that she didn't learn that from me. 21 months marks the the month that Emery learned how to climb up the ladder into our fort and go down the slide all on her own. I hold my breath everytime, but force myself to stay planted where I am, because 21 months is now much too old for mommies to help with that sort of thing... WHAT? My greatest joy in her the past few weeks is to begin to see her turn that glaring eyed look into a sort of playful look as she begins to realize she is about to be in trouble... She is learning the correct responses and even responding with them at times!
Tomorrow, I won't want to go to a HOT t-ball game... Or I might be too tired to paint 10 little finger nails that just can't manage to remain still... Or that 21 month old bottom will hit the ground too hard after sliding down the slide alone. I will be annoyed. I will be impatient. I will be unsympathetic. I don't want to be. I am going to try hard not to be. But when I am?... I will read this. I'll remind myself that I one day he might not want me at every single game(though I promise I will be anyway). One day she will be able to paint her own fingers. One day sliding will be for babies or little kids...
And one day I will wish we were back here. Right where we are right now. 4 years old. 2 years old. 21 months old. How good is my life?
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
A Comfy Chair and Tulips
"A house that does not have one worn, comfy chair in it is soulless."
May Sarton
This little vase of wooden tulips is that worn, comfy chair for me.
It has survived 5 moves, though not without injury.
See that purple flower?
It used to be the same highth as the other 2.
I brought this vase home from a trip to Amsterdam with my daddy. The city was our first stop on a 10 day international trip...
Amsterdam, Jordan, Israel.
That trip is one of my most treasured memories.
I was only 13 yrs old so I did not treasure it then as much as I should have... But I remember the front of the home Anne Frank
and her family hid from the Nazi's in.
And there really are little villages with
bakery's and docks with sailboats.
My favorite sight was the very place I bought these flowers.
There was a very old, family owned cheese factory.
Ask me anything. I bet I remember.
There were windmills. Actual windmills!!!
And tulips... LOTS of tulips. Fields of tulips!
And my Daddy... I got to do it all with my Daddy.
I want my home to feel comfortable. I want it to feel lived in.
I want the pieces, the knick-knacks, to tell a story... To have character.
When I look at my daughters' dresser I see that little flower vase and the memories come rushing back...
One day I will be taking it down and letting the girls hold it as I tell them stories about how our hotel had no air conditioner or that the garbage men had been on strike for weeks before we got there. {smelly}
I smile everytime I glance at them. I have held those tulips hundreds of time. They are faded and broken, but treasured. I find them comforting... Just like a comfy chair.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Winter Will Not Last Forever
| What do you do when the sky is blue and so clear there are not even clouds? What do you do when the weather is so warm you turn your air on for a minutes to cool down the house while cooking dinner? What do you do when you have 3 kiddos who have been couped up inside so long I can't remember when the last time was that they were REALLY tired? You play outside! It was just the glimmer of hope that we needed... Winter will not last forever.  |
| Will in his Irish shirt straight from Ireland - Thanks Gigi! Oh, and his paper airplane. He is basically obsessed with these. |
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| I seldom catch her looking at the camera and smiling... |
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| This girl has a love affair with her "Mimi"... I was so sick for weeks after she was born that my mom did alot for her and we believe that it where this relationship started. |
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| Even with the Louisville game on, these kids were able to grab their Papa's attention. Need I even mention how solemn dinner was after that game? |
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| This was Will's face after I tried to explain away the dead bird we found in Mimi's backyard. I caved and told him Mimi threw the bird over the fence cause that's where his nest was. :) |
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| Someone was feeling left out of the race... |
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| Even Mimi got in on the chase while at Southern Seminary tonight. |
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| The girls always seem to get scared when the big man starts running after them yelling. Even if that big man is daddy. |
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| I love his love for our children. |
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| I have yet to meet a son more in love with his daddy then this boy. And I am pretty sure this daddy couldn't wish for a better break from his writing. |
Thursday, March 10, 2011
It's Not All In My Head
This is a little lengthy. It is wordy and really not that interresting. And yet for some reason I felt compelled to type it all out. So here it goes...
When I first started getting sick about 5 years ago I think a few of those close to me(won't name names), really thought it might all be in my head. And honestly I kind of understood why they might think that.
I had no idea what was wrong. Only that I went from being an on time, if not early person, to being too tired to care that I was running late. I went from getting up 2 hours early to get ready for ANYTHING to rolling out of bed at the last possible minute. I used to go, go, go all of the time and loved to live that way... I cancelled night out after night out to lay on the couch. I felt like I had this continual flu. I ached and hurt all over. It hurt to wear clothes, to be covered by a blanket, to take a shower... I would stay home from work for a few days thinking I had caught something and then go in a day or two later feeling better, only to feel terrible by the end of the day again. There were headaches... I have always struggled with those, though.
After a few months of this life, I went to the dr. They ran tests, took x-rays, made referrels. And gave me no idea what could be wrong. After a few weeks I tired out and quit going. We even moved from our apartment because we had so many people suggest that perhaps the fact that it was the oldest building on Southern Seminary's campus had lent itself to affecting my allergies or something. We were grasping at straws. A move and a job change(full time to part time) seemed to really begin to help. I tired easily and still struggled with the same symptoms at times, but those spells of utter exhaustion were fewer between. I didn't hurt all the time anymore. I think it was a combination of a better schedule and a better understanding of my physical limits.
You would have thought that becoming a mother would have done me in, but because of no physical pregnancy I noticed no physical symptoms during the 9 months leading up to Will coming home. And when we did pick up Will, he was so easy. He slept 12 hours at night. He napped 3 times a day for about 5 hours total. And then when I got pregnant with Riley things were totally different. We just assumed I had bad pregnancies. I was anemic by my 3rd trimester and my hemoglobin was still a 9 after her delivery, but they said it would adjust back to normal. It didn't recover and I seldom felt better. I discovered I was pregnant with Emery 6 months later... With Emery things were even worse. My hemoglobin had remained at a 9. There were all of the pregnany complications. Even on bedrest I was exhausted all of the time. I wondered if it was the contractions that disrupted my sleep or the fact that I couldn't be active. And by the time they admitted me to deliver my doctor was in shock that my hemaglobin was a 7.
On the day I expected to be discharged my doctor came in... She was shocked to hear I had been walking to the nursery. She couldn't believe I nursed every 3 hours through the night, which involved me walking down the hall, buzzing to be let in, and sitting behind a screen in a room with 5 other nurses. Shocked I had not experienced chest pains or heart issues or required oxygen. I had issues with being out of breath but just figured it had to do with the 5 weeks of bed rest and limited activity for weeks before that. My doctor offered me a blood transfusion... It was now my husband and I who were shocked. My hemaglobin had dropped to a 5.0. I was not allowed to leave the hospital for fear that if I hemorraged for some reason, I would bleed to death. After 4 extra days in the hospital, 3 new iv's, 20 vials of blood for testing, 5 iv iron transfusions, 5 B12 shots, and a stringent schedule of dr visits and treatments for the next several months, I was sent home.
When Emery was 6 weeks I had a follow up visit for a flu. I had them pull my old labs from when I first began feeling bad and they said all had seemed normal, though I was recovering from a case of mono when the labs were tested about 4 years earlier. "What?" I said. They said it must have been that they never thought someone as sick as I had been would have had mono and not known so they didn't even think to mention it... Things were starting to come together in my head.
And it seemed like I was on the mend. My hemaglobin was up to normal after several weeks of iron transfusion. I was feeling better then I had in months. And then my precious 6 month old who had been sleeping beautifully became a bedtime nightmare! :) And all of the sudden I felt terrible again.
For weeks I debated another trip to the doctor where I described these aches and pains and fatigue that I felt so wimpy for even acknowedging. And then I got a knot on the bottom of my foot. It was so swollen I couldn't walk all evening. And then I got another knot. This time on the inside of my knee. And then there was another on my knee. Then one on my ankle. After about 24 hours they would become less swollen and painful... But my husband and my mom and dad were thoroughly concerned at this point. This was a tangible symptom. Something they could see and touch.
The diagnosis of fibromyalgia came within only a few short minutes of being in the doctor's office. I had a few knots in my shoulders in the exact locations of a few trigger points and found all 18 points to be painful(11 are necessary for a diagnosis).
Fibromyalgia is often triggered by an some type of injury or illness. The dates of my untreated mono(was treated for a sinus infection and strep throat during this time) lined up perfectly with the start of all of the sickness. And it is thought that the mono is what kicked my fibromyalgia into high gear. Well, what I thought of as high gear until all of the blood issues. Since Emery was born I have not been able to get a jump on my symptoms. I can't seem to get enough sleep or rest to get much relief. The severe anemia kicked my fibromyalia into over drive and we are now just kind of waiting it out...
God has been really good to me. I have an amazing mother that drops her plans for the day at even the hint of xhaustion or pain in my voice. She rushes over and sweeps myself and the kids to her home. And Blake often gets the kids ready for bed and gets up with them in the morning, giving me the 30 extra minutes we have found to help immensly. I have wonderful friends who come over for company and manage to bring over their kids and leave my house a little cleaner then before they came. I know this isn't forever... That one day these days will be a distant memory. I won't miss the pains or the fact that I can't stay up late. But I will miss the constant reminder of how much I need these people around me. I hope... Pray that these lessons of the necessessity of dependence on God are as clear in 10 years as they are tonight. As I glance around me at the laundry and toys strewn all over the basement, I am pretty sure that if it wasn't fibromyalgia, I would have plenty of other constant reminders of my need for God. :)
When I first started getting sick about 5 years ago I think a few of those close to me(won't name names), really thought it might all be in my head. And honestly I kind of understood why they might think that.
I had no idea what was wrong. Only that I went from being an on time, if not early person, to being too tired to care that I was running late. I went from getting up 2 hours early to get ready for ANYTHING to rolling out of bed at the last possible minute. I used to go, go, go all of the time and loved to live that way... I cancelled night out after night out to lay on the couch. I felt like I had this continual flu. I ached and hurt all over. It hurt to wear clothes, to be covered by a blanket, to take a shower... I would stay home from work for a few days thinking I had caught something and then go in a day or two later feeling better, only to feel terrible by the end of the day again. There were headaches... I have always struggled with those, though.
After a few months of this life, I went to the dr. They ran tests, took x-rays, made referrels. And gave me no idea what could be wrong. After a few weeks I tired out and quit going. We even moved from our apartment because we had so many people suggest that perhaps the fact that it was the oldest building on Southern Seminary's campus had lent itself to affecting my allergies or something. We were grasping at straws. A move and a job change(full time to part time) seemed to really begin to help. I tired easily and still struggled with the same symptoms at times, but those spells of utter exhaustion were fewer between. I didn't hurt all the time anymore. I think it was a combination of a better schedule and a better understanding of my physical limits.
You would have thought that becoming a mother would have done me in, but because of no physical pregnancy I noticed no physical symptoms during the 9 months leading up to Will coming home. And when we did pick up Will, he was so easy. He slept 12 hours at night. He napped 3 times a day for about 5 hours total. And then when I got pregnant with Riley things were totally different. We just assumed I had bad pregnancies. I was anemic by my 3rd trimester and my hemoglobin was still a 9 after her delivery, but they said it would adjust back to normal. It didn't recover and I seldom felt better. I discovered I was pregnant with Emery 6 months later... With Emery things were even worse. My hemoglobin had remained at a 9. There were all of the pregnany complications. Even on bedrest I was exhausted all of the time. I wondered if it was the contractions that disrupted my sleep or the fact that I couldn't be active. And by the time they admitted me to deliver my doctor was in shock that my hemaglobin was a 7.
On the day I expected to be discharged my doctor came in... She was shocked to hear I had been walking to the nursery. She couldn't believe I nursed every 3 hours through the night, which involved me walking down the hall, buzzing to be let in, and sitting behind a screen in a room with 5 other nurses. Shocked I had not experienced chest pains or heart issues or required oxygen. I had issues with being out of breath but just figured it had to do with the 5 weeks of bed rest and limited activity for weeks before that. My doctor offered me a blood transfusion... It was now my husband and I who were shocked. My hemaglobin had dropped to a 5.0. I was not allowed to leave the hospital for fear that if I hemorraged for some reason, I would bleed to death. After 4 extra days in the hospital, 3 new iv's, 20 vials of blood for testing, 5 iv iron transfusions, 5 B12 shots, and a stringent schedule of dr visits and treatments for the next several months, I was sent home.
When Emery was 6 weeks I had a follow up visit for a flu. I had them pull my old labs from when I first began feeling bad and they said all had seemed normal, though I was recovering from a case of mono when the labs were tested about 4 years earlier. "What?" I said. They said it must have been that they never thought someone as sick as I had been would have had mono and not known so they didn't even think to mention it... Things were starting to come together in my head.
And it seemed like I was on the mend. My hemaglobin was up to normal after several weeks of iron transfusion. I was feeling better then I had in months. And then my precious 6 month old who had been sleeping beautifully became a bedtime nightmare! :) And all of the sudden I felt terrible again.
For weeks I debated another trip to the doctor where I described these aches and pains and fatigue that I felt so wimpy for even acknowedging. And then I got a knot on the bottom of my foot. It was so swollen I couldn't walk all evening. And then I got another knot. This time on the inside of my knee. And then there was another on my knee. Then one on my ankle. After about 24 hours they would become less swollen and painful... But my husband and my mom and dad were thoroughly concerned at this point. This was a tangible symptom. Something they could see and touch.
The diagnosis of fibromyalgia came within only a few short minutes of being in the doctor's office. I had a few knots in my shoulders in the exact locations of a few trigger points and found all 18 points to be painful(11 are necessary for a diagnosis).
Fibromyalgia is often triggered by an some type of injury or illness. The dates of my untreated mono(was treated for a sinus infection and strep throat during this time) lined up perfectly with the start of all of the sickness. And it is thought that the mono is what kicked my fibromyalgia into high gear. Well, what I thought of as high gear until all of the blood issues. Since Emery was born I have not been able to get a jump on my symptoms. I can't seem to get enough sleep or rest to get much relief. The severe anemia kicked my fibromyalia into over drive and we are now just kind of waiting it out...
God has been really good to me. I have an amazing mother that drops her plans for the day at even the hint of xhaustion or pain in my voice. She rushes over and sweeps myself and the kids to her home. And Blake often gets the kids ready for bed and gets up with them in the morning, giving me the 30 extra minutes we have found to help immensly. I have wonderful friends who come over for company and manage to bring over their kids and leave my house a little cleaner then before they came. I know this isn't forever... That one day these days will be a distant memory. I won't miss the pains or the fact that I can't stay up late. But I will miss the constant reminder of how much I need these people around me. I hope... Pray that these lessons of the necessessity of dependence on God are as clear in 10 years as they are tonight. As I glance around me at the laundry and toys strewn all over the basement, I am pretty sure that if it wasn't fibromyalgia, I would have plenty of other constant reminders of my need for God. :)
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Welcome To Our Week
We have been cloistered in our house for almost a week now! If not for regular visits from my mother I fear I might have lost my mind...
Emery started with a virus on Thursday and ran a fever through Sunday. Will started a fever on Sunday night, but was well by Tuesday. Tuesday I started with similar symptoms, minus the fever, and am still feeling crummy. Today Emery was diagnosed with fluid in 1 lung and prescribed a high powered antibiotic.
We are hoping to make it out of the house tomorrow!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
A Constant Reminder...
At Ninth and O's Thursday Morning Bible Study we have been working our way through Mary Kassian's study In My Father's House. It is really a fairly simple study as far as work and time, but the truths I have been reminded of while studying have been deep and meaningful and changing. This weeks was all about seeing God as our "Caring Father".
We talked about
1. The Father is Strong
2. The Father Protects
3. The Father has a Plan
4. The Father Brings Healing
5. The Father Generously Provides
As I read all of the verses this week we were bombarded with scripture that was just continually reminding us... reminding me, how much the father loves me. How well God takes care of me. How the Father's plan for me is good and perfect. And in our discussions during small groups I saw and listened to friends spill their hearts and talk about the way that they have seen all of this in different ways in their lives... And all I could think of was Will.
One of the questions discussed was "Have you felt peace in the midst of a difficult circumstance which you knew came from God?" I still find this topic very emotional to talk about... But not because the pain is so raw. It is emotional and brings me to tears to even think about because in the midst of my grief and anger and questioning this very characteristic of him, God chose to give me a constant reminder of what a generous, caring, loving God he is. I can't tell you that almost 2 years of infertility was easy. I can't tell you that I handled it gracefully. I can't tell you there weren't nights with tears and apologies that had to be made for being too sensitive. And while perhaps I wasn't filled with peace throughout the entire time, I just remember there being many days before I even saw Will's precious face that my peace was the thought that God has given me a heart for adoption. God had given me a love for a child in another country that would never have my DNA.
Will is my constant reminder of how good my God is. He gave me a love for that boy that is equal to the love he gave me for my daughters that I carried in my womb. Will is my constant reminder of how strong God is. International adoption is such a risky and unsure process and he just carried ours through about as quickly as possible. Will is my constant reminder of how loving my God is. My son loves unconditionally. He loves deep. He loves passionately. And when I think of how much my son loves me, I am reminded how much more my God loves me.
I struggle in so many area's but I honestly question very seldom how caring and loving God is. I might sinfully question his abilities or his ways, but I truly believe without waiver that God is good. I have seen his grace in the life of my son - providing him a home and a family and the ability to succeed. And I have seen his grace in my life - in giving him to me.
We talked about
1. The Father is Strong
2. The Father Protects
3. The Father has a Plan
4. The Father Brings Healing
5. The Father Generously Provides
As I read all of the verses this week we were bombarded with scripture that was just continually reminding us... reminding me, how much the father loves me. How well God takes care of me. How the Father's plan for me is good and perfect. And in our discussions during small groups I saw and listened to friends spill their hearts and talk about the way that they have seen all of this in different ways in their lives... And all I could think of was Will.
One of the questions discussed was "Have you felt peace in the midst of a difficult circumstance which you knew came from God?" I still find this topic very emotional to talk about... But not because the pain is so raw. It is emotional and brings me to tears to even think about because in the midst of my grief and anger and questioning this very characteristic of him, God chose to give me a constant reminder of what a generous, caring, loving God he is. I can't tell you that almost 2 years of infertility was easy. I can't tell you that I handled it gracefully. I can't tell you there weren't nights with tears and apologies that had to be made for being too sensitive. And while perhaps I wasn't filled with peace throughout the entire time, I just remember there being many days before I even saw Will's precious face that my peace was the thought that God has given me a heart for adoption. God had given me a love for a child in another country that would never have my DNA.
Will is my constant reminder of how good my God is. He gave me a love for that boy that is equal to the love he gave me for my daughters that I carried in my womb. Will is my constant reminder of how strong God is. International adoption is such a risky and unsure process and he just carried ours through about as quickly as possible. Will is my constant reminder of how loving my God is. My son loves unconditionally. He loves deep. He loves passionately. And when I think of how much my son loves me, I am reminded how much more my God loves me.
I struggle in so many area's but I honestly question very seldom how caring and loving God is. I might sinfully question his abilities or his ways, but I truly believe without waiver that God is good. I have seen his grace in the life of my son - providing him a home and a family and the ability to succeed. And I have seen his grace in my life - in giving him to me.
I learned alot through those long months of infertility... But the most life-changing thing was this - God passionately cares about me. My greatest reminder of that? This little boy...
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