Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Learning To Unclench Those Fists...

I really wanted to take a bath tonight. At least until Emery pooped in MY bathtub! Even though I have cleaned it several times I just can't bring myself to fill it with water yet... So I am blogging.

I have felt compelled to blog all evening... 3 wks ago a friend from college and church passed away unexpectedly. 2 wks ago a church member - mother of 3 young kids -  was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. 1 wk ago a precious family in our church lost their little boy. It has been a few contemplative, sobering weeks.

Because of all this thinking and thankfulness I have found my time with my kids to be refreshing and so enjoyable. I really can not tell you how much I am enjoying my children! This evening especially.

At Dinner:
Riley: Emery, take a bite of your  ice-cream. It's gonna fall on the table.
Riley: Emery, hurry and take a bite! Daddy help her!
Emery drips ice-cream on her shirt.
Riley: Awww... It's ok Emery. Here's a napkin. Let me help you.
Riley leans across Chick Fil A table to help wipe her baby sister up.

Open Hands, Lydia.

Still At Dinner:
Will and I are sitting at table alone.
Will: Momma?
Me: Yes, Will?
Will: Thank you for my dinner Momma.
Me: Thank you for saying thank you baby! *teared up*
Will: I love you Momma.
Seriously trying to keep from crying in the middle of Chick Fil A...
Me: I love you too, Will.

Open Hands, Lydia.

Walking into the Chick Fil A playplace...
Emery: Momma!!! *Grin on her face, running towards me!*
She grabs my hands and pulls me to go play with her.

Open Hands, Lydia.

Sitting in the Chick Fil A playplace watching our children play their hearts out...
Blake: Emery doesn't seem like a baby anymore.
Me: When did that happen?
Blake: It makes me sad.
Blake: I think we need another baby.

Open Hands, Lydia.

I am terrible at it. Truly awfull. I often wonder if I will ever be able to do this well... To hold that which I love and cherish in open palms, fingers spread wide instead of in clinched fists with white knuckles. It goes against every natural instinct in my body.

Open Hands, Lydia.

But isn't that part of it? Who wants only gifts that are easy to give? Who wants only "sacrifices" that require no effort? I'm prying my hands open tonight. I am pulling at one finger at a time trying to reassure myself that, that which is most precious to me truly is nothing I can hold in my hands.

Open Hands, Lydia.

I have no idea what book or blog this was written in, but I came across a post a few days ago where she had copied this quote...

"When a woman has a kingdom heart, she has an active understanding of what matters most to the heart of God. She lives in the balance of passion and contentment. She learns to love well, give without regard to self, and forgive without hesitation. The woman with a kingdom heart may have a duffel bag full of possessions or enough treasures to fill a mansion, but she has learned to hold them with an open hand. Hold everything with open hands. I don't think we are ever allowed to grab hold of anything or anyone as though they matter more than the kingdom of heaven. When you hold relationships with open hands, then people come in and out of your life as gifts of grace to be cherished and enjoyed, not objects to be owned and manipulated. And then when you hold your dreams with open hands, you get to watch God resurrect what seemed dead and multiply what seemed small."

Open Hands, Lydia. Open Hands.

1 comment:

The Fitzgerald's said...

Interesting that you mention receiving bad news several times over the past several weeks. I was just sitting with clark and said the same this to him. I feel like every week the past several weeks I've had a reason to cry out of sadness. How innocent are children - thinking the world is not such a bad place. I miss that...

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