The Nitty-Gritty of Adoption

"Will wants to go down to Guatemala and find his other parents," Blake said.

"WHAT????"

Silence...

"What did you say?" I asked.

"I told him that when he was older we could go back to Guatemala to visit, but I don't know where they are."

Silence...

I was in tears at this point. I knew this day would come... I knew that one day he was going to be curious, to ask questions. I prayed that this day wouldn't come for many, many more years. Six years was not long enough to prepare to hear my baby boy call someone else his "mom".

"I don't want to talk about this right now," I whispered to Blake as I finished setting the table for dinner.  I called the kids to the kitchen and watched Will race Riley to the table... My little brown skinned, black haired boy and his fair skinned, light haired sister.

Part of the reason I don't want to talk about it is selfishness. I traveled to Guatemala to bring him home. I spent 6 long months longing to rock my baby boy to sleep. I am the one who knows that he loves chocolate milk, but would never drink white milk. But the main reason I don't want to talk about where he came from is that I worry about his sensitive, tender 6 year old heart... The twins pregnancy stirred the questions. He is such a smart little boy and so inquisitive... "Did I grow in your belly mommy?" "Do you remember the day I was born?"

Blake and I decided long ago that we were going to be sensitive and age-appropriately (is that a word) honest. I think that it makes it much less awkward for it to seem like a normal conversation. Our answers to these questions have varied... "God had you grow in another woman's belly and then mommy and daddy came to Guatemala to get you and bring you home." "The lady in Guatemala whose belly you grew in couldn't take care of you so she let Mommy and Daddy come and get you because we love you." "God wanted our family to have a little boy from Guatemala so he gave us you!" Nothing sounds perfect. Nothing sounds just right.

I felt like I was still reeling as we climbed into bed that night. My mind was leaping forward to arguments with Will as a teenager. Will he ask us every time we discipline him if it's because he was adopted? Will he struggle with self-worth because the man who gave him his DNA left before he was born? Will he ever try to run away to Guatemala when he is grounded?

This... This is the nitty-gritty of adoption. To me, the hard part is not the paperwork, or the waiting, or the unexpected delays. While overwhelming at times and disappointing in the moment, it will all be a distant memory a year after you bring that precious child home. They are the adoptive mother's labor pains - unbearable in the moment, but wiped from your mind such a short time later. To me, the dirty is not dealing with the aftermath of behavior issues. While it takes God given grace, I know that my DNA could have resulted in a child that responds just as passionately, as emotional as Will. I honestly just see him as "one of my kids" as we have dealt with his many, many issues over the years. To me, that is just parenting! All issues that have come up, would have, whether he was adopted or not.  Training behavior and modifying attitudes and spending 30 minutes at the table waiting for him to eat his corn because last night he liked it and tonight he doesn't - that is just doing what a parent does.

The nitty-gritty of adoption is answering the questions, "Whose belly did I grow in?" because he wants so badly to hear your memories of a pregnancy I simply did not have. The nitty-gritty is somehow telling him that you don't know how you could ever find the woman that holds the memories he craves. The nitty-gritty of adoption are those tearful conversations Blake and I share at night in the dark... Wondering how much to say and how to say it because Will is becoming increasingly more curious.

I want him to be confident in my love. I want him to be confident in himself. I want him to be confident in the Father's plan for his precious life. I want him to know that I don't pretend to know how he feels. I want him to know how special the lady that carried him found him - to choose life! These are not, "I don't play soccer as well as my sister," self-esteem issues. These are the kind of self-esteem issues that need Christ.

Adoption is hard. There is much to wade through and I'm not attempting to downplay a second of it. But as I think about how much I complained about in the beginning... How hard I thought it was. Well, I was wrong. I was selfish. I was so focused on the here and now and didn't pray enough about Will's future. My ability to see the big picture was clouded. Will has been home for 6 years on August 3, and we are just now getting to nitty-gritty. He is just now beginning to understand what it means that he was adopted. Six years and the hard part is just beginning... I pray for his heart - that Jesus will save it soon and that it will be enough. I pray for his soul - for peace and contentment.

I imagined that the hardest part of adoption was going to be the actual adoption - the paperwork and court date and trip to Guatemala. Little did I know then that the work was just beginning. Then, as we dealt with doctors and therapy and surgery... I imagined that this part was the hardest part. I was wrong again. So wrong. As long and as hard and as difficult as the last 6 years have been, I am most terrified of the next 20. But it's so worth it... The questions. The doubts. The nitty-gritty. Even that is joy for me, because it's about Will. With Will. For Will. But, I have it easy. I am confident in my love for him... confident that I would not change a thing about him. Confident that I am the lucky one.

Will

Will has finished kindergarten. He loves school. I'm not kidding. He loves it. And he has done wonderfully! He adds. Subtracts. Writes. Reads. Knows all the planets. Knows who the first and current president is. I am shocked by the amount of information his beautiful head has held onto this year. 

He finished his third year of AWANA. Will not only completed his book, but was able to complete the review portion as well! I wish I could memorize half as easily as he does. 

We have seen such growth in our boy recently. Will is taking swimming lessons. His humor is beginning to become truly clever - and funny! He is interested in his Guatemalan heritage and has informed us he wants to learn spanish. 

Bugs. And dirt. And sticks. He loves them all - Just as you would expect. He will attend soccer camp in a few weeks, and I think he is going to love it! 

Will's heart is tender. I pray daily it remains that way and that the Lord draws him to Himself soon... What a precious, precious 6 year old we have. 

Young Love

Now, this is definitely not encouraged... 

But when I happened upon these two best friends talking with their faces this close together, I had to snap a few photos before shooing them off of the towel. 

That sweet girl's daddy is one tough, gun slinging guy and will instill plenty of fear in the many young men that  will desire to win her precious heart... And I'm thinking those boys may have to fight through my gallant son as well. :) 

There is no kissing allowed.

There are gentle reminders that he is years away from being old enough to worry about getting married. 

I don't even have to worry about whether he wants a girlfriend because my sweet 5 year old doesn't even know what that is(not that him knowing means he will be getting one). :)

But...

 I am loving this innocent friendship in which they truly believe they will always like one another. :) 

In there mind, there is no difference between a "boy" friend and a "girl" friend - It works out perfectly for their "knight and princess" playing. 

They have no idea how awkward this will all seem to either of them in a few years. 

There is no sense of the time that will pass before they truly fall in love...

Or the heartbreaks and heartaches they will most likely experience before that sweet love. 

That's why I love these pictures. That's why I love this friendship. 

Candy Land

Our little big boy is loving my childhood favorite game. In fact he will often play alone after Blake or I have played what we feel is a sufficient amount of games... 10 or 12 in a row. :) Snapped these pictures the other night... Just wanted to be sure that I remember his favorite game at 4 years old. Did I mention he turns 5 in 2 months? *sniff, sniff*...

A Repost: It's Not What You Think

*The Ring family is on a much needed vacation. We are reposting a few favorite posts as we are away from the computer at this time. Thank you so much for reading.*

We have friends who are adopting. 2 families actually. Everytime we seem to expect a lull in adoption at our church, someone steps forward. People's hearts are changed. The Lord moves. It has just been so wonderfully overwhelming to me.



All of the recent buzz about adoption in our world has brought back memories of our journey... I tell this story over and over and over again. I write about it every chance I get because I never want to forget. I want to remember every detail. I want for Will to feel like he knows his story inside and out.


In 2003 Blake and I went on our first date. Somehow the conversation went to children. I shared my dream to adopt. He agreed, mainly I think because he wanted to marry me and wasn't going to ruin it on our first date. :) I held on to that conversation. I treasured it in my heart. Blake tucked it so far away that he forgot about it.


We married in 2005 and despite having every intention that Blake would finish his PhD before we added to our family, it was only a matter of months before I was begging for a child. We began trying to get pregnant rather quickly. I knew that it might come slowly. I knew that it might be hard. I knew right away that I wanted to pray about adoption being a way that we expanded.


I was searching the internet immediately. I spent hours and hours on adoption agency websites. And then the mail came. About 10 info packets on domestic and international adoption. Blake laid them on my side of the bed and had little to do with them. I poured over them, memorizing every detail. I was still not pregnant.


I don't know what happened, other then to say that it was just God. I had been praying and working on Blake and the topic of adoption for probably 6 months. He had been telling me to give the pregnancy time. But to me, this wasn't about whether or not I was pregnant. I didn't just want to be pregnant. I wanted to me a mom and I didn't care how that happened. From March 2006 to October 2006 God changed Blake's heart and one day I heard him say "I want to adopt."...


We hit the ground running and by the next month we began the process of the homestudies. Our dossier reached Guatemala in January 2007... The same month our precious son entered the world.


Because we adopted Will before I became pregnant with Riley people almost always assume that it is because of the infertility. It's not what you think, though. There was infertility. Almost 2 years of it. There were tears and hurt and disappointment. But adopting Will was not about that. Adopting Will was about what Christ did for Blake and I. It was our totally flawed attempt to mirror... mimic his adoption of us and the way in which he picked us up and pulled us out of a terrible life.


When the Lord changes your heart towards adoption - When your heart becomes sympathetic towards it, amazing things happen. You see pictures of a little girl in Asia and wonder what dress you might help her pick out for her senior prom. You study a photo of a little boy in Africa and imagine teaching him to ride a bike or throw a ball. In our case, it was the photos of young boys in Guatemala. We studied those photos daily for weeks... wondering which one we would soon be kissing. Imagining rocking that small bundle to sleep. January 26 was the day we put a face on those dreams...


It's not what you think. Things seldom are. Will was not just a body to fill our empty crib. Will is here by an act of God. A desire to fulfill our Lord's instruction to care for the orphans... A desire we could never have on our own. We want him to know.

Soccer

Will's first soccer game was last Saturday! It is a great sport for him, because this boy LOVES to run... And we kind of think that soccer just might be in his blood. :)

A Repost: It's Not What You Think

We have friends who are adopting. 2 families actually. Everytime we seem to expect a lull in adoption at our church, someone steps forward. People's hearts are changed. The Lord moves. It has just been so wonderfully overwhelming to me.


*Will's Gotch Day was at the beginning of the month. I am working on a post - In the meantime, here is a re-post of a blog I wrote last year:

All of the recent buzz about adoption in our world has brought back memories of our journey... I tell this story over and over and over again. I write about it every chance I get because I never want to forget. I want to remember every detail. I want for Will to feel like he knows his story inside and out.

In 2003 Blake and I went on our first date. Somehow the conversation went to children. I shared my dream to adopt. He agreed, mainly I think because he wanted to marry me and wasn't going to ruin it on our first date. :) I held on to that conversation. I treasured it in my heart. Blake tucked it so far away that he forgot about it.

We married in 2005 and despite having every intention that Blake would finish his PhD before we added to our family, it was only a matter of months before I was begging for a child. We began trying to get pregnant rather quickly. I knew that it might come slowly. I knew that it might be hard. I knew right away that I wanted to pray about adoption being a way that we expanded.

I was searching the internet immediately. I spent hours and hours on adoption agency websites. And then the mail came. About 10 info packets on domestic and international adoption. Blake laid them on my side of the bed and had little to do with them. I poured over them, memorizing every detail. I was still not pregnant.

I don't know what happened, other then to say that it was just God. I had been praying and working on Blake and the topic of adoption for probably 6 months. He had been telling me to give the pregnancy time. But to me, this wasn't about whether or not I was pregnant. I didn't just want to be pregnant. I wanted to me a mom and I didn't care how that happened. From March 2006 to October 2006 God changed Blake's heart and one day I heard him say "I want to adopt."...

We hit the ground running and by the next month we began the process of the homestudies. Our dossier reached Guatemala in January 2007... The same month our precious son entered the world.

Because we adopted Will before I became pregnant with Riley people almost always assume that it is because of the infertility. It's not what you think, though. There was infertility. Almost 2 years of it. There were tears and hurt and disappointment. But adopting Will was not about that. Adopting Will was about what Christ did for Blake and I. It was our totally flawed attempt to mirror... mimic his adoption of us and the way in which he picked us up and pulled us out of a terrible life.

When the Lord changes your heart towards adoption - When your heart becomes sympathetic towards it, amazing things happen. You see pictures of a little girl in Asia and wonder what dress you might help her pick out for her senior prom. You study a photo of a little boy in Africa and imagine teaching him to ride a bike or throw a ball. In our case, it was the photos of young boys in Guatemala. We studied those photos daily for weeks... wondering which one we would soon be kissing. Imagining rocking that small bundle to sleep. January 26 was the day we put a face on those dreams...

It's not what you think. Things seldom are. Will was not just a body to fill our empty crib. Will is here by an act of God. A desire to fulfill our Lord's instruction to care for the orphans... A desire we could never have on our own. We want him to know.

Take Me Out To The Ballpark

"Do not ask that your kids live up to your expectations.  Let your kids be who they are, and your expectations will be in breathless pursuit. "

I grew up going to the ball fields several times as a week... My brothers played for years. I remember mosquito trucks driving through the parking lot and all of us running before they began spraying. I still love those hard balls of gum you could get for 25 cents and spit out 2 minutes later because all the flavor is gone. And then there were the all star games(yeah, John was pretty good). Some nights we would be there for multiple games because we had to see how the team we were playing later in the week was going to do. And we had to watch all of our friends...

Last night was a little sureal for me. It was Will's first t-ball game. I was thrilled because I have such precious memories from growing up... And terrified because I have a child old enough to play! Well. They sort of just stand around and take turns hitting the ball. But they wear uniforms. So I guess that makes it official.

These kids were so comical to watch. :) There was alot of wandering around. Alot of laying on the ground. Alot of not being able to see because everyone's caps were too large. A few tears when only 1 of the 10 kids that jumped on the ball came up victorious.

What precious memories we have in store...

"Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children. "

"When you teach your son, you teach your son's son." 

"You have a lifetime to work, but children are only young once."