The Nitty-Gritty of Adoption

"Will wants to go down to Guatemala and find his other parents," Blake said.

"WHAT????"

Silence...

"What did you say?" I asked.

"I told him that when he was older we could go back to Guatemala to visit, but I don't know where they are."

Silence...

I was in tears at this point. I knew this day would come... I knew that one day he was going to be curious, to ask questions. I prayed that this day wouldn't come for many, many more years. Six years was not long enough to prepare to hear my baby boy call someone else his "mom".

"I don't want to talk about this right now," I whispered to Blake as I finished setting the table for dinner.  I called the kids to the kitchen and watched Will race Riley to the table... My little brown skinned, black haired boy and his fair skinned, light haired sister.

Part of the reason I don't want to talk about it is selfishness. I traveled to Guatemala to bring him home. I spent 6 long months longing to rock my baby boy to sleep. I am the one who knows that he loves chocolate milk, but would never drink white milk. But the main reason I don't want to talk about where he came from is that I worry about his sensitive, tender 6 year old heart... The twins pregnancy stirred the questions. He is such a smart little boy and so inquisitive... "Did I grow in your belly mommy?" "Do you remember the day I was born?"

Blake and I decided long ago that we were going to be sensitive and age-appropriately (is that a word) honest. I think that it makes it much less awkward for it to seem like a normal conversation. Our answers to these questions have varied... "God had you grow in another woman's belly and then mommy and daddy came to Guatemala to get you and bring you home." "The lady in Guatemala whose belly you grew in couldn't take care of you so she let Mommy and Daddy come and get you because we love you." "God wanted our family to have a little boy from Guatemala so he gave us you!" Nothing sounds perfect. Nothing sounds just right.

I felt like I was still reeling as we climbed into bed that night. My mind was leaping forward to arguments with Will as a teenager. Will he ask us every time we discipline him if it's because he was adopted? Will he struggle with self-worth because the man who gave him his DNA left before he was born? Will he ever try to run away to Guatemala when he is grounded?

This... This is the nitty-gritty of adoption. To me, the hard part is not the paperwork, or the waiting, or the unexpected delays. While overwhelming at times and disappointing in the moment, it will all be a distant memory a year after you bring that precious child home. They are the adoptive mother's labor pains - unbearable in the moment, but wiped from your mind such a short time later. To me, the dirty is not dealing with the aftermath of behavior issues. While it takes God given grace, I know that my DNA could have resulted in a child that responds just as passionately, as emotional as Will. I honestly just see him as "one of my kids" as we have dealt with his many, many issues over the years. To me, that is just parenting! All issues that have come up, would have, whether he was adopted or not.  Training behavior and modifying attitudes and spending 30 minutes at the table waiting for him to eat his corn because last night he liked it and tonight he doesn't - that is just doing what a parent does.

The nitty-gritty of adoption is answering the questions, "Whose belly did I grow in?" because he wants so badly to hear your memories of a pregnancy I simply did not have. The nitty-gritty is somehow telling him that you don't know how you could ever find the woman that holds the memories he craves. The nitty-gritty of adoption are those tearful conversations Blake and I share at night in the dark... Wondering how much to say and how to say it because Will is becoming increasingly more curious.

I want him to be confident in my love. I want him to be confident in himself. I want him to be confident in the Father's plan for his precious life. I want him to know that I don't pretend to know how he feels. I want him to know how special the lady that carried him found him - to choose life! These are not, "I don't play soccer as well as my sister," self-esteem issues. These are the kind of self-esteem issues that need Christ.

Adoption is hard. There is much to wade through and I'm not attempting to downplay a second of it. But as I think about how much I complained about in the beginning... How hard I thought it was. Well, I was wrong. I was selfish. I was so focused on the here and now and didn't pray enough about Will's future. My ability to see the big picture was clouded. Will has been home for 6 years on August 3, and we are just now getting to nitty-gritty. He is just now beginning to understand what it means that he was adopted. Six years and the hard part is just beginning... I pray for his heart - that Jesus will save it soon and that it will be enough. I pray for his soul - for peace and contentment.

I imagined that the hardest part of adoption was going to be the actual adoption - the paperwork and court date and trip to Guatemala. Little did I know then that the work was just beginning. Then, as we dealt with doctors and therapy and surgery... I imagined that this part was the hardest part. I was wrong again. So wrong. As long and as hard and as difficult as the last 6 years have been, I am most terrified of the next 20. But it's so worth it... The questions. The doubts. The nitty-gritty. Even that is joy for me, because it's about Will. With Will. For Will. But, I have it easy. I am confident in my love for him... confident that I would not change a thing about him. Confident that I am the lucky one.

Will

Will has finished kindergarten. He loves school. I'm not kidding. He loves it. And he has done wonderfully! He adds. Subtracts. Writes. Reads. Knows all the planets. Knows who the first and current president is. I am shocked by the amount of information his beautiful head has held onto this year. 

He finished his third year of AWANA. Will not only completed his book, but was able to complete the review portion as well! I wish I could memorize half as easily as he does. 

We have seen such growth in our boy recently. Will is taking swimming lessons. His humor is beginning to become truly clever - and funny! He is interested in his Guatemalan heritage and has informed us he wants to learn spanish. 

Bugs. And dirt. And sticks. He loves them all - Just as you would expect. He will attend soccer camp in a few weeks, and I think he is going to love it! 

Will's heart is tender. I pray daily it remains that way and that the Lord draws him to Himself soon... What a precious, precious 6 year old we have. 

Will

This boy is growing up. 

It's AMAZING to me how far he has come in the past several years. 

He is phasing out of speech therapy in just a few weeks.

He is fascinated with dates and calendars and the time. 

His AWANA vest is full of patches from memorized verses.

What is exciting me the very most about Will is his heart. 

It is softening! 

Just today, he came running up to me and said, "Mommy, am I obeying today?" I was happy to encourage him and praise him for his happy attitude and obedience! "Am I making Jesus happy with my actions," he followed up with. "Yes, baby. Yes, you are." 

I would love to pat myself on the back and encourage myself with this amazing growth.

I would love to go on and on about how encouraging that little encounter with my son was. 

But, I had nothing to do with it. 

What a gracious God to begin softening the heart of a mere 5 year old. 

My 5 year old. 

Oh, to have the heart of a child... 

5 Years

I wonder if it will ever become cliche for me to type some sort of adoption post following Will's birthday. I guess I don't really care. His birthday is one of those days where I find myself overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions surrounding the unique way the Lord added Will to our family.

But on birthday's, one often reminesces about that person's beginnings... This year I went back into my saved e-mails and opened that very first email with his referrel and photo - telling me that this was to be my son. Tears. From the time I saw his face for the first time, I begged and pleaded with the Lord to bring him home as quickly as possible, and as soon as I held him for the first time I began begging for time to slow.

I sat with Will on Tuesday and shared with him about that first meeting in the hotel lobby. His understanding of the way the Lord added him to this family is growing.Will can tell you he is adopted. He understands that he grew in another women's belly. He is still working out everything in between... It scares me. His understanding of the inbetween. I never want him to feel different. I don't want him to ever feel unloved or unwanted. It makes me joyful as well. I am so thankful for him and what an opportunity for him to fully understand just how the Lord cares and provides. What an answer to our prayers he was... is. We pray constantly for the Lord to guard his heart from insecuritites... To fill his mind how loved and adored he is.

We don't have belly pictures to put in an album. We don't have some dramatic birth story to share with Will on his birthday. But we do have an exciting trip to Guatemala. We have stories of one of the best weeks of our life - holed up in a small hotel suite, learning this precious baby whose face we memorized from pictures. We have video from a wonderful "welcome home" airport party... Those stories are his "birth" story. They are some of the pieces to the puzzle that we call William Thomas. At 5 years old, what wonderous things we have yet to learn about this boy. Some days I beg for him to not grow a day older... Tonight, I'm looking forward to seeing the boy he will be tomorrow.

A Repost: It's Not What You Think

*The Ring family is on a much needed vacation. We are reposting a few favorite posts as we are away from the computer at this time. Thank you so much for reading.*

We have friends who are adopting. 2 families actually. Everytime we seem to expect a lull in adoption at our church, someone steps forward. People's hearts are changed. The Lord moves. It has just been so wonderfully overwhelming to me.



All of the recent buzz about adoption in our world has brought back memories of our journey... I tell this story over and over and over again. I write about it every chance I get because I never want to forget. I want to remember every detail. I want for Will to feel like he knows his story inside and out.


In 2003 Blake and I went on our first date. Somehow the conversation went to children. I shared my dream to adopt. He agreed, mainly I think because he wanted to marry me and wasn't going to ruin it on our first date. :) I held on to that conversation. I treasured it in my heart. Blake tucked it so far away that he forgot about it.


We married in 2005 and despite having every intention that Blake would finish his PhD before we added to our family, it was only a matter of months before I was begging for a child. We began trying to get pregnant rather quickly. I knew that it might come slowly. I knew that it might be hard. I knew right away that I wanted to pray about adoption being a way that we expanded.


I was searching the internet immediately. I spent hours and hours on adoption agency websites. And then the mail came. About 10 info packets on domestic and international adoption. Blake laid them on my side of the bed and had little to do with them. I poured over them, memorizing every detail. I was still not pregnant.


I don't know what happened, other then to say that it was just God. I had been praying and working on Blake and the topic of adoption for probably 6 months. He had been telling me to give the pregnancy time. But to me, this wasn't about whether or not I was pregnant. I didn't just want to be pregnant. I wanted to me a mom and I didn't care how that happened. From March 2006 to October 2006 God changed Blake's heart and one day I heard him say "I want to adopt."...


We hit the ground running and by the next month we began the process of the homestudies. Our dossier reached Guatemala in January 2007... The same month our precious son entered the world.


Because we adopted Will before I became pregnant with Riley people almost always assume that it is because of the infertility. It's not what you think, though. There was infertility. Almost 2 years of it. There were tears and hurt and disappointment. But adopting Will was not about that. Adopting Will was about what Christ did for Blake and I. It was our totally flawed attempt to mirror... mimic his adoption of us and the way in which he picked us up and pulled us out of a terrible life.


When the Lord changes your heart towards adoption - When your heart becomes sympathetic towards it, amazing things happen. You see pictures of a little girl in Asia and wonder what dress you might help her pick out for her senior prom. You study a photo of a little boy in Africa and imagine teaching him to ride a bike or throw a ball. In our case, it was the photos of young boys in Guatemala. We studied those photos daily for weeks... wondering which one we would soon be kissing. Imagining rocking that small bundle to sleep. January 26 was the day we put a face on those dreams...


It's not what you think. Things seldom are. Will was not just a body to fill our empty crib. Will is here by an act of God. A desire to fulfill our Lord's instruction to care for the orphans... A desire we could never have on our own. We want him to know.

A Repost: It's Not What You Think

We have friends who are adopting. 2 families actually. Everytime we seem to expect a lull in adoption at our church, someone steps forward. People's hearts are changed. The Lord moves. It has just been so wonderfully overwhelming to me.


*Will's Gotch Day was at the beginning of the month. I am working on a post - In the meantime, here is a re-post of a blog I wrote last year:

All of the recent buzz about adoption in our world has brought back memories of our journey... I tell this story over and over and over again. I write about it every chance I get because I never want to forget. I want to remember every detail. I want for Will to feel like he knows his story inside and out.

In 2003 Blake and I went on our first date. Somehow the conversation went to children. I shared my dream to adopt. He agreed, mainly I think because he wanted to marry me and wasn't going to ruin it on our first date. :) I held on to that conversation. I treasured it in my heart. Blake tucked it so far away that he forgot about it.

We married in 2005 and despite having every intention that Blake would finish his PhD before we added to our family, it was only a matter of months before I was begging for a child. We began trying to get pregnant rather quickly. I knew that it might come slowly. I knew that it might be hard. I knew right away that I wanted to pray about adoption being a way that we expanded.

I was searching the internet immediately. I spent hours and hours on adoption agency websites. And then the mail came. About 10 info packets on domestic and international adoption. Blake laid them on my side of the bed and had little to do with them. I poured over them, memorizing every detail. I was still not pregnant.

I don't know what happened, other then to say that it was just God. I had been praying and working on Blake and the topic of adoption for probably 6 months. He had been telling me to give the pregnancy time. But to me, this wasn't about whether or not I was pregnant. I didn't just want to be pregnant. I wanted to me a mom and I didn't care how that happened. From March 2006 to October 2006 God changed Blake's heart and one day I heard him say "I want to adopt."...

We hit the ground running and by the next month we began the process of the homestudies. Our dossier reached Guatemala in January 2007... The same month our precious son entered the world.

Because we adopted Will before I became pregnant with Riley people almost always assume that it is because of the infertility. It's not what you think, though. There was infertility. Almost 2 years of it. There were tears and hurt and disappointment. But adopting Will was not about that. Adopting Will was about what Christ did for Blake and I. It was our totally flawed attempt to mirror... mimic his adoption of us and the way in which he picked us up and pulled us out of a terrible life.

When the Lord changes your heart towards adoption - When your heart becomes sympathetic towards it, amazing things happen. You see pictures of a little girl in Asia and wonder what dress you might help her pick out for her senior prom. You study a photo of a little boy in Africa and imagine teaching him to ride a bike or throw a ball. In our case, it was the photos of young boys in Guatemala. We studied those photos daily for weeks... wondering which one we would soon be kissing. Imagining rocking that small bundle to sleep. January 26 was the day we put a face on those dreams...

It's not what you think. Things seldom are. Will was not just a body to fill our empty crib. Will is here by an act of God. A desire to fulfill our Lord's instruction to care for the orphans... A desire we could never have on our own. We want him to know.

Kate's Craft Fair

Kate doesn't yet know that her name is Kate. She is a little girl in an Ethiopian orphanage that has yet to see the dimples on her beautiful mother Rachel's face or see herself through the eyes of her father Jeff's gorgeous photographs. But Kate is prayed for, wished for, hoped for... by the Marshman's. By her mommy and daddy that God hand picked for her. Becoming her mommy and daddy is no easy or cheap task and Rachel has been running an online craft fair as a fund raiser: Kate's Craft Fair. Rachel and friends have been painting, sewing, and gluing up a storm to offer precious items for you to purchase with all proceeds going to help bring precious Kate home to her family.

*Hoping to complete my own little goodies to be available through Kate's Craft Fair in a few weeks, so keep an eye out!*

A Constant Reminder...

At Ninth and O's Thursday Morning Bible Study we have been working our way through Mary Kassian's study In My Father's House. It is really a fairly simple study as far as work and time, but the truths I have been reminded of while studying have been deep and meaningful and changing. This weeks was all about seeing God as our "Caring Father".

We talked about
1. The Father is Strong
2. The Father Protects
3. The Father has a Plan
4. The Father Brings Healing
5. The Father Generously Provides

As I read all of the verses this week we were bombarded with scripture that was just continually reminding us... reminding me, how much the father loves me. How well God takes care of me. How the Father's plan for me is good and perfect. And in our discussions during small groups I saw and listened to friends spill their hearts and talk about the way that they have seen all of this in different ways in their lives... And all I could think of was Will.

One of the questions discussed was "Have you felt peace in the midst of a difficult circumstance which you knew came from God?" I still find this topic very emotional to talk about... But not because the pain is so raw. It is emotional and brings me to tears to even think about because in the midst of my grief and anger and questioning this very characteristic of him, God chose to give me a constant reminder of what a generous, caring, loving God he is. I can't tell you that almost 2 years of infertility was easy. I can't tell you that I handled it gracefully. I can't tell you there weren't nights with tears and apologies that had to be made for being too sensitive. And while perhaps I wasn't filled with peace throughout the entire time, I just remember there being many days before I even saw Will's precious face that my peace was the thought that God has given me a heart for adoption. God had given me a love for a child in another country that would never have my DNA.

Will is my constant reminder of how good my God is. He gave me a love for that boy that is equal to the love he gave me for my daughters that I carried in my womb. Will is my constant reminder of how strong God is. International adoption is such a risky and unsure process and he just carried ours through about as quickly as possible. Will is my constant reminder of how loving my God is. My son loves unconditionally. He loves deep. He loves passionately. And when I think of how much my son loves me, I am reminded how much more my God loves me.

I struggle in so many area's but I honestly question very seldom how caring and loving God is. I might sinfully question his abilities or his ways, but I truly believe without waiver that God is good. I have seen his grace in the life of my son - providing him a home and a family and the ability to succeed. And I have seen his grace in my life - in giving him to me.

I learned alot through those long months of infertility... But the most life-changing thing was this - God passionately cares about me. My greatest reminder of that? This little boy...

Paperwork, Lawyers, and Court Dates... Oh My

When you adopt from Guatemala you create a Dossier that involves pages and pages and pages of paperwork. When you get to Guatemala they hand you another pack of paperwork to take to the US Embassy. You would think that once you reach the USA you are home free, but not so... We brought Will home with everything finalized in Guatemala, but are required to re-adopt him in the state of Kentucky.

The Ring family got up early this morning, drove downtown in the midst of wrecks and rain, and got to meet our lawyer for the first time! Blake and I had some documents to sign in order to get Will's re-adoption moving. We were informed the name of the judge that will precide over our case and told that within 2 to 3 months we should have a set court date to finalize it all!

The process will also involve Will being granted US Citizenship and his name being officially changed from Julio Cesar Ring to William Thomas Ring.

This is the FINAL process in Will's adoption and we are thrilled that everything will finally be done! But would we do it all over for Will?... We would do it over and over and over again. Will is our greatest source of joy!

You Know You're An Adoptive Parent If...

A friend e-mailed this to me this evening and I thought it was sweet... Blake and I cannot imagine our life without our son from Guatemala! Will makes everything sweeter!
(The pictures are of our trip to pick up Will in Guatemala)


YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN ADOPTIVE PARENT IF...
1. The fact that there are 143 million children without a parent to kiss them goodnight has made you lose sleep.
2. You realize DNA has nothing to do with love & family.

3. You can't watch Adoption Stories on TLC without sobbing.
4. The fact that, if 7% of Christians adopted 1 child there would be no orphans in the world, is convicting to you. (A pretty amazing statistic. Also, of 240,000 Americans inquiring about foster adoption this year, only about 10,000 will follow through and become adoptive parents. Data compiled by Listening to Parents)
5. You spend free time surfing blogs about families who've experienced theblessing of adoption.
6. It drives you crazy when people ask you about adopted child's "real"parents.

7. You've been "pregnant" with your adoptive child longer than it takes an elephant to give birth.
8. You'd no idea how you'd afford to adopt, but stepped out in faith anyway, knowing He'd provide.
9. You've taken an airplane half-way around the world with a child you just met.
10. You believe God's heart's for adoption. See James 1:27 and Romans 8.
11. You realize that welcoming a child into your heart & family is one of the most important legacies you could ever leave on this earth.
12. You know what the word "Dossier" means & you can actually pronounce it correctly!
13. You've welcomed a social worker into the most private parts of your life.
14. You shudder when people say your child's so lucky that you adopted them, knowing full well you're the blessed one to have him or her in your life.

15. You are constantly asking the bookstores to carry a selection of children's books that have stories where kids that look like yours are the hero's.
16. When someone talks about addictions you quietly think in your head that have an addiction of your own- adoption!
17. Your wallet is empty and your heart is full.